Chapter Sixty Two

After my mom left, I was disappointed that it hadn't gone as well as it should. My ma was old school, and believed that marriage was for life. for my mom and pop that was easy, they were together twenty four seven and had time to work on there relationship.. things were not that simple for me. my mind was a turmoil of emotions, I loved D, but I was not in love with her, and it was not fair to make someone stay married to you just for the kids... we both deserved to be happy... I snook another coffee, and taking my keys I left the house, destination D's moms. while I was in the mood I needed to solidify things in my life.. I could no longer do it for everyone else.

the drive down was quiet and steady, and I was able to play over the conversation I was going to have with D, knowing how she could twist things I needed to take charge of the conversation from the onset.
The gravel grated under the tires as I pulled on to D's mom's property, I managed to ring ahead and as I stopped and got out four beaming faces came rushing towards me. the kids all put there arms around me and I put my arms around them all too. After Dot and I had our meeting I was gonna take them down to the boardwalk for an ice cream and soda pops, have a little us time, I was looking forward to that and so were the kids.... as they let go, they took off round the back to the yard, while stood on the steps waiting was D.
"Jon"
"D"
she stood to the side to let me enter, I was hesitant, looking over to the barn, I could see the tree swing, "hey, its  nice day, lets go sit over there and talk."
she pursed her lips but stepped out and walked at the side of me to the swing. she looked to the ground as we walked then straight ahead.
"so not gonna ask how I am then?"
"I can see, you look good, I guess your near fixed?" she looked at me with cold eye's, then back to staring ahead. I complimented her, anything to get the conversation flowing and rie the fuck off elephant that was tailing behind us...
"you look well.."
"do I?, thanks..."
the conversation remained really strained and tense. reaching the tree swing we sat, immediately she asked, "so what you wanna talk about? I've got plans this afternoon"
" Whoa there, bit cold D, I'm not just friend that's come calling,  you are my wife..."
"yeah, well I don't feel like it anymore..."
"What's that suppose to mean? talk to me?"
"I'm shipped out here from my home, my friends, family and you, and when your seriously injured and in hospital I'm told under no circumstances must I visit. what the fuck... I've been going outta my mind here Jon... made worse, I had no idea what hospital you were in, or what town, Matty said the less I knew the safer I'd be... what the fuck did that mean anyway? do you know how that makes me feel?"
I chewed hard on my jaw, causing it to crack, already D was making herself look right, and me look bad. Matt had told me what he had and had not told her,
"D, please don't lie..."
"Lie, what do you mean lie.."
"Matt told me, he made you aware of the hospital, he told me he gave you the new cell number, you could have called, yeah I told him to tell you to stay away from the hospital because of what happened to Matt... you knew too when I was let home cause I rang and told your ma..."
she looked straight ahead... ignoring what I said... I had to know so asked,
"D, you want out of this marriage?"
this time she looked at me, " if I do, I want half..."
"what you don't even wanna talk about it?, twenty two years together and that's it, your interested in money only?" my heart was heavy, cause although I knew we had grown apart, I thought she still had feelings for me.
"Jon, your the father to my children, they love you and adore you, you couldn't have any bigger fans anywhere more than your kids, but I'm flesh and blood Jon, your wife, even when your home, you spend all your time with Richie, Obie or alone in that god damn recording studio, or your having get togethers at your pub. when do you take time to think about me?"
"everytime a check goes into the account D..., don't try guilt trip me, sure I go to the studio, yeah the guys come over, but your with the wife's, girlfriends, and everyime I try to get close to you, there's always an excuse, just let me finish this, maybe later, you've pushed me away for years... well there's only so many times I can take rejection."
"rejection, on the road, every girls fantasy...please...."
"wait a minute, are you saying that I sleep around and that's why you've been rejecting me? D you really are some piece of work you know that..."
she rolled her eye's, "Oh please, don't make out like you are the faithful husband that just comes home to me six months into the tour?"
"D, I have never cheated on you when I'm away.... when did the trust go?"
she shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno, along time ago I guess, but I only realised it after the Antonia thing..."
"wait a minute, you haven't trusted me for years, and now your telling me cause of the stalker?"
she glanced at me, "I guess"
"Fuck that's lame"
"Lame?"
"Yeah, this is a two way street D, what were you doing while I was away? huh?, I'm sure Andy was still around to keep you company while I was gone... " my temper was rising, something I promised myself I wouldn't do...
"oh that's right throw it back at me.."
"hey, you started this bullshit, I'm just staying with the flow here, ..." I got off the swing, "you know, you have a talent D, really you do... everything we talk about you can twist into making me look bad, and you the victim... how do you do that huh? cause I really wanna know..."
she looked up at me and sneered, "what wrong Jon, not going the way you want it too?"
my Italian blood rose and I flipped, "you know what D, do your worse, from today our marriage is over, I'm sick of the accusations, the lies, having to prove myself innocent, I cant live with this shit anymore... I want a divorce."