Chapter Fifty Two

Five days past since Kal visited me, my ma had stayed away too and the only visitor I had seen was Madison, Although D had called to check I was ok. I was relieved that she was still ok at her moms and she confirmed that my Ma had called out to check on her and tell her what happened.

We left it that when I was released from hospital before I flew off on the second leg of the tour to Europe I would call by and check on her in person, both of us agreed we had things that needed to be addressed, which we could no longer ignore.

This morning the Doctor was calling in to give me a check over, and if all went to plan I was being allowed home for another three weeks bed rest, if I failed I'd be staying where I was.
I was feeling a little anxious, two reasons, my self confidence had taken a battering, and I was going to be alone, which in normal cases would not have bothered me in the slightest, but given what I had gone through something inside me had changed. I asked Madison what would happen and I was even considering trying to fake being strong enough so I'd still have company and a professional to take care of me.
Madison told me what the Dr would do, and she tried to re assure me; she said I would have to walk around and complete a peak flow air test and a few gentle exercise's, nothing major, and that not to worry as being taken off the oxygen was a good sign. My spleen had now returned to normal size and had recovered real good, my bodily bruises were fading too, my eye had reduced in size and was open again, although still blood shot. I no longer looked like I had been run over by a truck, just had a fight with it. progress.

I'd just finished my breakfast when Doc came in. "Jon, Good morning" moving my tray table I answered after swallowing the last mouthful of my breakfast., "Good Morning Doc."
"I can see you have just finished breakfast so we will let that settle before we begin, I need to ask you a few question and complete an exam before we do our test, are you ok with that?" I shook my head.
Doc moved to my bedside and pulled up my top and felt around everywhere on the bruises that were still showing, he watched my reaction, he then sat me up and tapped his fingers across my back while listening with his stethoscope.  he moved away and wrote on my chart.
"so how am I doc."
"All good, so far."
"That's great." I tried to sound enthusiastic but I couldn't. Doc picked up on it, "So tell me how you are feeling?"
"Ok I guess"
"ok, well why the hesitancy? what is troubling you?"
I knew what was the trouble, but how could I tell a Doc from an over confident son of a bitch I was now full of doubt, and anything but self assured. in truth I felt totally lost.
"Jon, what you are feeling is quite normal given the atrocities and injuries you have sustained not to mention the mental anguish, I'm going to set up a therapist to call and see you, someone you can talk to about this ok?"
I shook my head to the Dr, but I really was not sold on that move, I had never spoke to anyone about my issues before, I'd always found my own way through difficult times, of which to date had only been one. so honestly, I don't know if I'd be comfortable and able to discuss my problems with a complete stranger. The Doc saw and picked up on it, "your not sure Jon?"
I had to speak out, "thing is Doc, I don't know if I can tell a complete stranger what I've been though and how I'm feeling...its.... well hard for me..."
"why?"
"because I am a private person, when your in the public eye, you have to protect your privacy."
"But this is therapy Jon, its not telling the press... give it a try ok? you might surprise yourself."
again I shook my head, but inside I was filled with conflict.
"so you ready to give this a try?"
I shook my head, he handed me a peak flow monitor, "right deep breath and blow." I took the tube in my hand and held it too my lips and blew, then handed it back to the doc, he noted the reading and marked it down. "Ok that's good, now can you stand for me and taking it slow walk to the door and back."
I lifted myself out of the bed and raised my body to a standing position, I ached, my bruises pulled but I managed to stand, taking a breath in I took my first step, then second, and third and so on until I reached the door. turning I returned back to where I started. while I stood the doc was behind listen with his stethoscope to my back and chest. "that's good." next I was given the peak flow metre again and asked to blow, same result as before, which made the doc smile. "ok Jon last thing I need you to do is to bend down as far as you can for me, any pain stop ok?" I shook my head, again taking a breath first I bent over and slowly lowered my torso towards my feet, I felt no pain and managed to reach my toes, then slowly I retracted back to a standing position. "How that feel?"
"ok"
"no pain?"
I shook my head, "no, nothing"
"well in that case Jon, looks like you can be discharged and go home, for rest ok,  no over doing it and returning on tour Jon, your not strong enough yet ok?"
"Ok"
"Well I'll  see about setting the papers ready for your discharge, Ill also make arrangements for a nurse to visit daily and help with the exercises ok?"
again I shook me head. "right,  well you did real good, well done," he moved to the door,  "Ok, I  will see you later just prior to your discharge, is there anything else you need to ask me?. "no, I'm good thanks" "in that case..."  he smiled as he opened the door and left.
Madison was still with me, "hey well done, you did it...you should be proud of yourself?" "thanks" I wasn't as happy as I should be. "What's wrong?"
"nothing..."
"well it don't look like nothing from where I'm standing, "
I slid back into bed and pulled the covers to my waist. "Jon what is it?"
I looked away and shook my head, "its nothing really..."
she would not give in, " I'm serious Jon, tell me what's bothering you? maybe I can help?"
how the hell could I tell Madison that I was scared, that I was terrified of being alone, terrified for the nightmares that were haunting my dreams... and could come back and make it a reality again......and how could I let her know that I was going to miss her...