Chapter Sixty Seven

Back home, I rang Rich, Dave and Teek, I included Mike Rew too and Obie, my tour photographer David Bergmann  and my brother matt, next was the call to catering to have snacks laid on for when the guys got here.

Satisfied and with the basics in place I sketched an outline on the wipe clean board for the next leg on the European tour.
I read through it twice before I was happy, then set up the chairs for our meeting, closing the door to the den I walked out and straight into Madison. "hey there beautiful..."  she looked hot and flustered, not her usual calm self...  "Hey what's wrong?" "Well its meeting the guy's, what if they give you a hard time about us... you know like your mom did, I'd never forgive myself if I was the cause of Bon Jovi breaking up"

"Whoa there where's all this come from?"

"I've been thinking on it since yesterday, and the more I think the worst I'm feeling, I'm real scared..."

I took her in my arms, "Look, everything will be fine ok?, the guy's no better than to pass judgement on me," I laughed,  at the end of the day, I'm their boss... relax it will be fine, there is no way the guys are going break from me, because you and me are together... they will love you...ok.."

she looked at me, still unsure and uneasy..."I hope your right, I really do..."

"I am trust me..."

"Ok, if you say so," then added with a laugh,"  your the boss..."

she tried to look a little more relaxed,
"so you want some juice, coffee?"

"coffee would be good thanks, I'll be down in the studio, you know where that is right?"

"der, of course...." she smiled at me as she went off in the direction of the kitchen.

I was walking out to the back, when there was a knock at the door, opening it, I was shocked, there was my mom, with the kids.... "well don't just stand there are you gonna invite us in?"

"Mom?, what are you doing here?"

"With you going on tour I thought it would be nice for the kids to spend the day with you"

The kids stood back and looked uneasy.. Steph spoke, "sorry pop, we told grandma, she should check with you first, cause you said you had uncle Rich and the guys coming over today for a run through, but..."
I interrupted her,
"Steph c'mere, its fine, you guys don't need to ring ahead to call and see your old man...this is your home..." she came forward and I held her tight while giving my mom the stink eye...
"hey guys, go through and get some juice, the kids walked past my mom and into the house. my mom tried to follow,
" not you mom"

"why?, I brought the kids over, now your telling me I cant come in..."

"you just can't leave it can you?"

I don't know what you mean... now are you gonna let me pass or not?"

I stood my ground... "Jon please, this bad blood between us has gone on long enough, I'm your mother.."

"mom, you maybe able to just wash over things, I cant, and  I'm just so not  ready to deal with you yet,...."
"But I said I'm sorry.... "
"Look it great you have brought the kids over, but I'm booked up today, maybe you need to just open your ears and listen,  Steph told you,"
"but I still thought it would be ok?"
"ma, I know your games, and I aint being hog washed, you are using the kids to get to me."
She shuffled on the ground with her feet, then looked at me indignantly,

"you've force my hand,.... you wont answer my calls, your ignore my e-mails, don't reply to my text... what am I suppose to do? eh? I love you Jonny, but I can't let you go all round he world with out saying good bye to me and knowing we are all good... please cant you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"ma, enough already, you have to face the facts you've really hurt me and pissed me off..."
Without warning, she flung herself at me, and held on real tight, almost knocking me off my feet...

"mom for the love of god, will you let go please..."

"not till you tell me we are all good... your my baby, and I'm sorry I've hurt you... you have always been my favourite..."
she did not hear the guys coming up to the house from behind, she was shook when matt spoke...

"has he now, that's nice to know mom..."

Matt was stood right behind, as Rich and the guys were arriving for the meeting.
My mom let go of me real fast, and spun round to look at Matty.
"you know I didn't mean it quite like that Matt, your my baby too..."

Matt pushed past her and held up his hand.

the guys from the band were all respectful to her as they walked inside the house, they looked bemused as to way she was stood on the step outside.

"right, I've gotta get gone, I've got a meeting with these guys, I'll bring the kids back to yours later ok."
"please Jonny, let me come in..."
"I'll see you later, go home..."

I shut the door then walked away, outside, I could hear her calling... "Johnny, please.... don't do this to me..."
Madison came through to the lobby and gave me a coffee, "you ok?"

"yeah, just the drama of my mother... its good.." I smiled and slid my arms around her waist as we walked out back to the den.

All eye's turned to Madison as we walked in, Rich was first out his chair,
"hi, I'm Richie, the good looking one.." he extended his hand and gave her a wink... Madison looked at me, then smiled at Rich and offered her hand in return, "nice to meet you Richie, the good looking one..."
Rich smiled, "I like her..."
next was teek, his gravelled voice, " nice to meet you hunni.." then Dave, who was the joker, he'd scribbled his number on a piece of paper, "Here's my number, anytime you want out of this let me know, I'll be over in a flash..."
this time I butted in, "anytime you want outta the band Dave let me know..."
he smiled and held up his hand, "you win" he stretched his arm out to take his number back, but Madison had already slipped in her pocket... "not so fast Mr Dave, you wanna crush my feelings?"
he smiled as he sat back down.

" Ok, guys, down to work"
 I winked at Madison as I went round the room to the wipe clean board,
Madison was stood near the door, ever the hostess she asked
"so can I get you gentlemen anything?" I could see their minds heading to the gutter, so I spoke, "just bring the pitcher of juice babes, and some glasses..." she saluted me as she left and closed the door,

and disappeared to go get the drink.

All eyes were on me, with silence, I took a deep breath, " I guess your all wondering about Madison and me right?"
Rich held up his hand, "I think we can guess..."

"you can?"  

"you and D finally called time right?"

I shook my head, yeah, but it aint how you think..."

Dave spoke, "Hey, Jon, bud it's none of our business, but long as your happy so are we..."

being with these guys so long they knew me inside and out, and supported me one hundred percent, with Matty adding, "treat her right, or else?"
"Or else what bro?"
"or else there's four good looking guys here that would be only to happy to care and take care of her..."
they all laughed, " yeah, I get it... alright... knock it off already.... clearing my throat I asked "now shall we get back to what were really here for?"
"what about David and Obie, aint they coming too?"
"Yeah but  only to do some new promo shots for the next leg, and Obie, to loan his ears on the run through of the new tracks with us in the studio.. Mike will be joining us later too"
"So guys, this is our time, its my come back after two months away, I wanna make it a real good, so are you ready? "
All the guys stood with Rich placing his arm out stretched, I added mine as did, Teek, Dave and matt, brothers in arms together the meeting started.  

 

Chapter Sixty Six

Two more weeks had past, and during that time I'd met my Dr again and been signed as fit to return to work,  now I just had to gear the guys up and into focus, re kicking  the tour off again. 

 

My mom had called daily during that time, and I'd ignored each and every call. I'd taken a call from my pop who suggested we meet for a drink, I'd agreed and met him at the bar on 8th Avenue in New York. We'd just got our drinks when he started in, "I know your ma's a pain in the ass, I've been married to her forever, but she's your mom, and she loves you Jon... why you ignoring her calls?"

"Cause I'm mad as hell that's why...this the reason you wanted to meet?"

"Partly... and to see you, you never call round anymore, and I miss ya, I miss our father son chats...""your getting old"

"don't knock it, your getting older too ya know..." we both laughed.. "get you, using my lyrics in a sentence" from the banter, he turned serious..  "look, with your mom,  just take control son...." it wasn't often we fought, in fact never, but I was uncomfortable, two reasons , it felt like my parents were both trying to control my life, or that my mom had talked my pop round and he was sitting with me pouring out her fears and views from his mouth.  "look pop, I hear you ok, but can you butt out, leave this to me... "

"but she's real sorry"

"yeah I'm sure she is, but there are only so many times sorry can be said, and right now, it aint cutting the dice with me."

"Son, everyone makes mistakes..."

"Look I get that, but I'm a grown man with with teenagers, I'm a dad too, so I know about calling the shots, I don't wanna spend the next half and hour fighting, I just wanna spend some time with you before I go out on tour again." then I added, "can we just have a quiet drink together? Father and son?"
my pop smiled at me, "I always said you were a smart cookie... look there's just one thing more and I'll call it quits?"
"Shoot"
"Call her son, be the better man.."
I will, but just not yet ok? "

"why?"

"How you think I feel knowing your the reason for her change of heart, but underneath she feels no different? She couldn't just support me, sorry pop but she needs to get it I'm pissed and I'll take my time... ok?" I said it as a statement, and the look on my pops face made me feel bad.
"I get your pissed, but would it help any if you knew she decided to sort things with you after talking to lorraine?"
"No it wouldn't cause your now trying to spin the same bull she did..."

he held his hands up, "ok,  you do your way... I tired, man you and your mom are both so alike, stubborn little shits" he changed the subject, "so you catch the game the other night?"

"no, I missed it, was it good..."

"hell yeah... I've got it taped if ya wanna come over and see it sometime?"

"thanks, maybe.."

"so you heading back out on tour huh?"

"yeah, I've gotta, been away long enough, all those people have paid good money to see me, and the band, and in twenty three years of being in the band this is the first time I've ever cancelled shows..."

he put his hand on my shoulder, "don't beat yourself up your human son.."

"no dad, I let my guard down and became a victim, which caused me to let my fans down..."

his brow furrowed,

"Jon can I ask  you a question?"

resting my arms on the bar, I looked at him,

"sure, anything"

"why are you so hard on yourself, don't you think this one time you should cut yourself some slack?"

"Why am I hard on myself?, let me see... maybe cause this machine don't run itself pop, everyone has a part in the success of Bon Jovi, from the stage hands to the wardrobe guys, lighting techs, rigging guys, roadies,... the list is endless, I've just had to cancel two months of shows because of that bitch, so to answer your question, I'm hard cause people, rely on me for their jobs and too take home a pay check at the end of every month, and at this rate, paying everyone when we aint on the road, I'll be broke..." I gave a half hearted laugh,

"you been paying the staff while you have taken the hiatus?"

"yeah, not their fault, they have families relying on that pay check."

"Your a good man son, can't see many of the top bands paying staff when there's no tour."

"were all different pop, I just look after my staff and that way they are with me for years..."

"you know what this set back has cost you then?" 

"no" I shook my head, "I guess its a chunk...I'll figure it out at the end of the tax year.."

"Where you start off with next?"

"Seattle, is the next town, then the rest of the American leg will go on hold and I'll fit in with the dates for Europe, then re schedule the other shows for later in the year, gonna mean I will be working to Christmas, and into the new year."

"good luck son, not that you need it, " he paused for a second... "you know, I'm real proud of you, right? you make my and your mothers heart sing...." he grabbed me and hugged me real tight., It kinda took me off guard and my stool  I just thanked him, as he added...

"and Jonny, think on what I said about your mom ok, your going round the world son... don't leave regret waiting for you on the return..." he smiled as he left the bar, leaving me sitting on my own to think.  

 

 

 

 

Chapter Sixty Five

My ma was really beginning to grate on my last nerve... my jaw was fixed and she knew I was about to let my Italian temper rear its head, twice in one day...
"ok, I'm sorry," she hung her head, your father has told me I gotta stop interfering in your life, and it was your pop who spoke to Lorraine," ... she paced as she spoke, "he was pretty pissed I can tell you"
"over the divorce," she stopped and looked at me, "no, because of Lorraine supporting you, and I'm just giving you a hard time..."
"right?, well pop never stops you normally, so what different this time..."
"he said we were through and he'd go share what happened to Antonia with the cops..."
I could not believe my ears, my mom was only being nice, cause my pop had told her too, with consequences if she didn't.
I shook my head, crossed my arms across my chest and walked around my mom with a sarcastic smile on my face... shaking my head
"you are god damn unbelievable..."
she watched turning her head to look at me as I paced around her. "Why dear? I've told you the truth.."
"yeah, only after pop made you?, couldn't you have done this on your own, you know, because your my mom and you wanna love and support me?" I stopped and used my arms in gesture to emphasize the point.
she hung her head,... "Jon, you know how pig headed I am, you take after me... If I think I'm right I say so and stick to my guns..." I started to pace again, "but you know how much I love you and support you, I'm your mother and your my eldest and first born... I'd do anything for you...Jon, please stop pacing, your making me dizzy..."
I stopped,  and looked at the person stood in front of me, I couldn't take in what she had told me,  and I couldn't believe she was my mom, it hurt  to the pit of my stomach, that my pop was the real reason for her change in attitude, although underneath she still felt the same, that I was sure about. 

Her lame excuse about looking out for me, meant in translation she was looking out for herself and wanting me to be the little boy of yesterday when she stood with me making me sing frank Sinatra songs with the hair brush in the mirror... the days when she controlled me.  With a broken heart, I spoke to her, " mom, please leave, just stop now, enough already"
she moved across the floor to where I was stood, raising her hand to my face, I pushed her away... "no, not now ok, I need time..."
"for what dear.."
She still did not get the fact she had hurt me, as far as she was concerned, she'd told the truth and that was the end of it. to my mom maybe, to me, I needed space and time....
"just give me space ok, I'll speak with you in a few days maybe..."
she collected her things and edged to the door, turning back trying to make amends, "anything nice planned for you and Madison for this evening?"
I reached the door first, held out my hand for the key. "you want my key?" she looked amazed that I had asked for it.
I shook my head. she undid her purse and rummaged around until she had the key, then holding it in one hand she stoked it with the other, it was clear she was reluctant to let it go.  impatiently I asked, "c'mon give it over ma.."
"but... I'm sorry...."
"the key?" she placed it in my palm and stepped over the step onto the drive, tears filled her eye's, as she walked but kept looking back, I just shook my head and closed the door. I'd had a gut full of melodrama for one day.

Madison came down the stairs, "you ok?"
I shook my head, "yeah, I'm good..." she walked over and put her arms around me, and I burrowed my head and nose into her hair and shoulders, and fought back the tears that were trying to flow. we stood together like that for what seemed like ages.... when we parted, we went into the sitting room and sat on the couch.
"Jon, I heard most of the discussion, with your mom, I really wasn't eaves dropping, you both are so loud...."
I looked at her and smiled, "yeah that's Italians for you..." using my best Italian new York accent, and my arms I gave her a taste. she threw back her head laughing.."that's priceless, you know if you voice breaks down, you could always turn to comedy... your Irish impression is spot on..."
"what... why I oughta..." she was laughing hard as I held her arms, then we paused and our lips met, and we kissed each other passionately, when we broke, I asked, "would you like to finish this upstairs?"
she smiled and shook her head. "yes please."

Chapter sixty four

Arriving back home a little late, after a great afternoon with the kids I met Madison walking along the drive on her way to fix my evening meal. I pulled along side,

"hey beautiful"
She looked at me wide eyed and surprised, "thought you was spose to be resting?"
Smiling back I answered,

"I have with my kids," she stopped walking and I stopped the car,

"care for a short ride ma'am? "
She smiled back and replied,

"Sure why not" as she pulled the door closed I put the car in drive,

"so you have a good time then? You've got a nice colour"
I smiled right back, "yeah the best time ever, I miss them so bad, I just needed to go see them...."
I pulled up outside and parked, then getting out we made our way to the front door and went inside.

I lay my keys on the side table and like always made my way to the kitchen to make coffee. Madison followed, "chicken and biscuits tonight with creamed mash and gravey, that OK? "
"Sure, I'm fixing coffee you want some?"
She shook her head, "So what you do then with the kids"  The boardwalk and ice cream, Ferris wheel, beach, nothing special, but in so many ways it was, god I miss them, and it was obvious how much they miss me.." "so you had a great time?"

"Yeah, I saw Dorothea too.."

"Oh?"

"yeah, we had a talk not that it was much good, anyways, I've told her I want a divorce."

Madison spun round from the stove and looked at me totally shocked... "Already?, but I thought you needed time to make your mind up, think things through? why the sudden fire to her that you want a divorce?"

"well another reason I went out to see the kids was D, I needed us to talk,"

"Should I ask, or is it none of my business?"

"Yeah course you can ask, it went just how I thought it would...bad.... D has this knack of twisting everything I say so she looks like a victim..." Madison said nothing but was listening to everything I said. when I'd done she spoke, " and she agreed to the divorce just like that?" I shook my head, "yep, but told me she wanted half of everything..."

"Can she do that?"

"hey this is D, she can do anything.... her own mom calls her a spoiled ass wipe..." Madison laughed, "OMG, that is bad, especially her own mom, can I ask, you speak to her parents too?"

again I shook my head, "yeah I spoke to Lorraine, she is a sweetheart, has all the time in the world for me, so does her husband Berne."

"so they're good then?"

"not sure good's the right word, but they support me.. I learned a lot from Lorraine today..."

"sounds like it, and if that is what you really want well I'm pleased for you.." she smiled at me and turned back to the stove and continued cooking my dinner.

"hey, have I got time for a quick shower, being out on the farm then the beach I feel like I need to freshen up?"

"you've got a few minutes, so sure..."

I took off upstairs and had a shower, re dressed in fresh clothes I went back down stairs, Madison was just dishing up.

she turned to smile at me as I walked in, "just in time.. sit down..."

I did as instructed and my meal was placed in front on me. Madison sat on the chair opposite, I dug in, "mmm delicious, no doubt about it, your a good cook..."

she stood and took a bow... " why thank you sir" then she re seated herself as I ate. "So what's your day been like?"

"busy, but good... well until I was finishing my shift and your mom was waiting to see me.."

I near choked, "my mom? she came to see you? I'm sorry I'll have a talk with her, tell her to back off..."

"hey its ok, really she was nice..."

I repeated the word, "nice? you sure? my mom?"

"yeah, she came to say sorry for how she spoke to me the other day, and that it was none of her business who you... how she put it, oh yeah, who you decide to have a relation with..."

I laughed, "that is not my mom, you sure it wasn't an imposter?"

"no, I swear..." she crossed her heart, and held her hand in the air like when you swear allegiance to the flag... "Ok, I believe you, but I'm still having words...."

"Having words with who dear?" 

"mom?, how long you been there?"

she smiled at me and came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "hello Madison my dear..."

"hi Mrs Bongiovi..." Madison excused herself making out she had to make my bed as she forgot about that... I knew it was so I could talk with my mom.

"how's your day been dear?"

I stopped eating, and looked at my mom suspiciously, " ok, where's my mom who are you?"

"I am me dear..."

"stop already, this is bullshit, unless I've suddenly transported myself to Stepford, what's going on?, how come your going to the hospital to see Madison? what's with you?"

"Oh Jon, I don't know what you mean... I.."

"Mom I swear to god, drop the fucking act... and tell me or Ill kick your ass outta my house so fast you wont know what's hit you?"

"John Francis don't you talk to me like that..."

"well stop the bull and out with it..."  

she held her hands up, "ok, ok, you got me... D's mom called me for a chat, seems you've been out there today, saw D and the kids..."

I was pissed, my ma could not resist interfering, I snapped, "What of it?"

"nothing, it's just I've got a new take on the situation with D and I reacted badly earlier, I'm just trying to make amends, with my son..." she looked at me doe eyed... I got up and walked to the door, "Mom I don't know what game your playing but I want you to leave, I've no time for this bull your spinning..."

"Its not bull honest son, I'm telling you the truth..."

"mom right now you wouldn't know the truth if it hit you in the ass... so tell me the truth or get the fuck out and don't come back...."

Chapter sixty three

I was raging,  D never listened and always wanted it her way, in all the years we had been married I'd never blown up as I had today. The look on her face was pure shock, I knew she wanted me to plead with her, but those days we're done. From this point on I was looking after me and my kids, they were my priority.

After my outburst I walked away heading in the direction of my vehicle, D chased after, " Jon,  Jon,  wait up, you can't just decide you want a divorce without discussing it, Jon. ..." I could hear her running now to catch me. I ignored her and kept walking, nearing the car her mom came out of the house. " hello jon"
" hi lorraine"
" You coming inside?"
" I don't think that's a good idea"
" why what I do?, sides I've some fresh lemonade waiting with your name on it?" She smiled, c'mon,  we ain't spoke together in ages..."
Before I could answer D was at my side, sobbing crocodile tears she blurted out, "don't talk to that snake he wants to divorce me."
She took hold of her mom like she was being chased by a zombie. Lorraine was nothing like her daughter and roughly pulled her arms from her waist and told her to go wash up and grow up she wasn't a teenager.
Lorraine came down the steps, " you ok?,"
I shook my head, " look I best go get the kids I promised them wed go to the boardwalk" I smiled at lorraine as I tried to move to the back yard. " erm not so fast my son, indulge these old bones and share what's gone down between you both?" 
Lorraine had always been fair and treated me like her son. I relented, "ok, but not inside, I don't think I've got the strength to go another round with your daughter."
She smiled and slipped her arm around my waist, " hunni that's fine, we can walk around the farm and I'll show you the new hogs.." we set off walking slowly, silence and air between us, "so c'mon son, what's she done? Gawd knows she's a pain"
"Well it all started with the stalker, then the kid in the uk, and her wanting me to give up the business.... then the TV. ..."
Lorraine stopped walking" whoa there TV?  Stalker? Kid?"
I looked at her " you ain't fixed the TV have ya?" "Awww hunni, I've no time for hogwash, I've got the farm,the animals and blanketing, seems like no good comes from that there picture box, now do me a favor and rewind and give me the full low down"
I laughed, "Sure but it's gonna take more than one stroll round the farm"
She laughed back, sweetheart I've got all the time in the world"
I explained about Antonia her mom, brothers, the kid in the uk then the rape and d 's demands.
We walked round the farm three times this time coming to a stop at the tree swing.
Lorraine sat down, "come sit with me"
I took a seat next to her, " I'm sorry lorraine, I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I can't ..." I paused, then continued " "live with D anymore..... the fights and bitching........" she held her hand to my lips, " my darling, there's no need to explain, you've been to he'll and back, and I'm ashamed to say, my spoilt ass wipe of a daughter has not helped any either, and before you say anything no I don't blame you.... manys a night berne and I talk, we've always said your either an angel or a saint to put up with Dorothea, no my darling, we both love you and will support you and hold no malice whatsoever, and anything you need or we can do just ask ok?"
She leaned over and hugged me real tight, "now go get your babies and have a fun afternoon with them... leave D to me and her pop"
"Thanks lorraine, that means a lot to me." She touched my shoulder as she smiled and set off back to the house, D was stood on the porch and although I could not see her face I knew she would be pissed. I smiled to myself as I set off to get the kids, who we're in the back yard field playing baseball. As I shouted across and they came running I just wished my ma could have been as supportive as my mother in law, but that wasn't gonna happen an time soon was it?.

Chapter Sixty Two

After my mom left, I was disappointed that it hadn't gone as well as it should. My ma was old school, and believed that marriage was for life. for my mom and pop that was easy, they were together twenty four seven and had time to work on there relationship.. things were not that simple for me. my mind was a turmoil of emotions, I loved D, but I was not in love with her, and it was not fair to make someone stay married to you just for the kids... we both deserved to be happy... I snook another coffee, and taking my keys I left the house, destination D's moms. while I was in the mood I needed to solidify things in my life.. I could no longer do it for everyone else.

the drive down was quiet and steady, and I was able to play over the conversation I was going to have with D, knowing how she could twist things I needed to take charge of the conversation from the onset.
The gravel grated under the tires as I pulled on to D's mom's property, I managed to ring ahead and as I stopped and got out four beaming faces came rushing towards me. the kids all put there arms around me and I put my arms around them all too. After Dot and I had our meeting I was gonna take them down to the boardwalk for an ice cream and soda pops, have a little us time, I was looking forward to that and so were the kids.... as they let go, they took off round the back to the yard, while stood on the steps waiting was D.
"Jon"
"D"
she stood to the side to let me enter, I was hesitant, looking over to the barn, I could see the tree swing, "hey, its  nice day, lets go sit over there and talk."
she pursed her lips but stepped out and walked at the side of me to the swing. she looked to the ground as we walked then straight ahead.
"so not gonna ask how I am then?"
"I can see, you look good, I guess your near fixed?" she looked at me with cold eye's, then back to staring ahead. I complimented her, anything to get the conversation flowing and rie the fuck off elephant that was tailing behind us...
"you look well.."
"do I?, thanks..."
the conversation remained really strained and tense. reaching the tree swing we sat, immediately she asked, "so what you wanna talk about? I've got plans this afternoon"
" Whoa there, bit cold D, I'm not just friend that's come calling,  you are my wife..."
"yeah, well I don't feel like it anymore..."
"What's that suppose to mean? talk to me?"
"I'm shipped out here from my home, my friends, family and you, and when your seriously injured and in hospital I'm told under no circumstances must I visit. what the fuck... I've been going outta my mind here Jon... made worse, I had no idea what hospital you were in, or what town, Matty said the less I knew the safer I'd be... what the fuck did that mean anyway? do you know how that makes me feel?"
I chewed hard on my jaw, causing it to crack, already D was making herself look right, and me look bad. Matt had told me what he had and had not told her,
"D, please don't lie..."
"Lie, what do you mean lie.."
"Matt told me, he made you aware of the hospital, he told me he gave you the new cell number, you could have called, yeah I told him to tell you to stay away from the hospital because of what happened to Matt... you knew too when I was let home cause I rang and told your ma..."
she looked straight ahead... ignoring what I said... I had to know so asked,
"D, you want out of this marriage?"
this time she looked at me, " if I do, I want half..."
"what you don't even wanna talk about it?, twenty two years together and that's it, your interested in money only?" my heart was heavy, cause although I knew we had grown apart, I thought she still had feelings for me.
"Jon, your the father to my children, they love you and adore you, you couldn't have any bigger fans anywhere more than your kids, but I'm flesh and blood Jon, your wife, even when your home, you spend all your time with Richie, Obie or alone in that god damn recording studio, or your having get togethers at your pub. when do you take time to think about me?"
"everytime a check goes into the account D..., don't try guilt trip me, sure I go to the studio, yeah the guys come over, but your with the wife's, girlfriends, and everyime I try to get close to you, there's always an excuse, just let me finish this, maybe later, you've pushed me away for years... well there's only so many times I can take rejection."
"rejection, on the road, every girls fantasy...please...."
"wait a minute, are you saying that I sleep around and that's why you've been rejecting me? D you really are some piece of work you know that..."
she rolled her eye's, "Oh please, don't make out like you are the faithful husband that just comes home to me six months into the tour?"
"D, I have never cheated on you when I'm away.... when did the trust go?"
she shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno, along time ago I guess, but I only realised it after the Antonia thing..."
"wait a minute, you haven't trusted me for years, and now your telling me cause of the stalker?"
she glanced at me, "I guess"
"Fuck that's lame"
"Lame?"
"Yeah, this is a two way street D, what were you doing while I was away? huh?, I'm sure Andy was still around to keep you company while I was gone... " my temper was rising, something I promised myself I wouldn't do...
"oh that's right throw it back at me.."
"hey, you started this bullshit, I'm just staying with the flow here, ..." I got off the swing, "you know, you have a talent D, really you do... everything we talk about you can twist into making me look bad, and you the victim... how do you do that huh? cause I really wanna know..."
she looked up at me and sneered, "what wrong Jon, not going the way you want it too?"
my Italian blood rose and I flipped, "you know what D, do your worse, from today our marriage is over, I'm sick of the accusations, the lies, having to prove myself innocent, I cant live with this shit anymore... I want a divorce."

Chapter Sixty One

That night after talking to Madison, I slept real good considering all of the events that had taken place. Antonia's mom was gone and had joined her daughter in hospital, Madison was still my nurse and had agreed one day to be much more, now my next fight was my mom.

Looking at the clock on the night stand it was 8.30am, I moved and lifted myself outta bed, feeling exceptionally stiff and sore this morning I did the gentle exercises the Doc had shown me then sat for a few moments and repeated them. feeling looser I went in to the bathroom and took a shower and dressed, then headed down stairs.

I was in the kitchen making toast and coffee when my mom arrived, she tried coming through the back door and was stunned when it was locked.

I released the lock as she entered, "hey what's with the locks?"
"I had an unwanted visitor last night"
"Madison?"
"no mom, not Madison, Anotnia's mom..."
"really, you ok?" she immediately started checking me over, I took her hands, "I'm fine, fact is, Madison saved the situation..."
"She did how?"
"come with me..." taking my coffee I led the way to the west side of the house and the office, the shovel Madison had used was still sitting on the desk where I laid it. I pointed to it, "she used that"
my ma looked puzzled, "to do what, did a hole?"
"no, ma, she hit her over the head with it, knocked her out cold.."
my ma raised her eye brows in surprise... "maybe I need to give Madison a little more credit then.. but that still does not let you off the hook..."
I'm glad you brought that up, mom, sit down, there's stuff we need to sort..."
she placed her purse on the desk, and laid her coat on the chair as she sat on the couch. I took my seat next to her.
"thing is ma, D and me, well it aint been good for a long time..."
she held up her hand, "whoa just one god damn picking minute here... please don't tell me your gonna go hook up with that tart?"
"mom, please don't refer to Madison as a tart, ok?, and no, I'm not hooking up with her, now can you please hear me out before you comment?"
she glared at me, but shook her head in agreement.
"thanks, look the thing is, for the last few weeks I've had time to think, re evaluate my life, where its going, the kids, D, you pop, the band everything. being placed in this situation and going through what I have, well it kinda sorts out the brain."
she nodded in agreement, "Continue..."
"thing is ma, D has not bothered to call on me, or even phone to see if I'm ok, the time when I needed her the most, she has left me hanging alone. All's I've had is you and Matty, and Madison."
she raised her hand, can I say something?"
"Sure"
"but you told Matty to tell her to stay at her mom's, you didn't want anything to happen to her, or the kids, so you cant really say she don't care when you told her to stay away.."
"yeah, but she could have called ma, not one call, we talking five weeks here right, hell when she was stabbed, and I received that call saying she was dead I rushed to her side... ma time to face facts, D don't love your boy anymore... not like she used to.."
my ma looked a little uncomfortable, " look, I'm not prying, I'm trying to help, but you did have a good life before all this started right?, you know in the bedroom and stuff?"
"ma, please...."
"I'm sorry, but that's always the first thing to go, and that's what makes marriages crumble..."
"look ma, it aint about the sex, its about us not being a unit anymore, we just keep up with the charade for the kids..." I didn't want to tell my ma about the blackmail, but I had too.
"man this aint easy,"
"what aint?, talk to me?"
"ok, here goes.. a while back when all the shit about Antonia was on the tv, remember the story about my fathering a child in the uk?"
"OMG please tell me that aint true... that kid looked so much like you... you didn't?, did you?"
"no, I didn't, can you please quit interrupting, "
she shook her head and drew her fingers across her mouth as if to say she had zipped it up.
"the kid aint mine, one hundred percent, the kids matt's, but that his beef to tell you, anyways, D used that shadow to blackmail me, seems she aint been happy for a long time and wants me to quit my job, be a stay at home husband...."
I took a pause, "Ma, I cant do that... I am what I am, I'm Jon Bon Jovi, singing, music is my life, my career, I'd rather cut off my arm than not sing or tour anymore...I asked her how long she had felt like it, and she told me for the last ten years... Ma how can you feel that way and not tell someone?"
"D told you this... yeah after she tried to blackmail me..."
"the bitch.."
"don't mom, this aint easy ok?"
"so what are you saying to me? you are giving up on your wife, your marriage, your kids your home?, in favour of what? please don't tell me you want to start a relationship with... that...."
"mom, enough already... What I'm saying is, I need a vacation away from everything, where I can think and sort out all this crap in my head... I'm in the middle of a tour...but whatever I decide, I need you to know, it will be my decision, and whether you agree, like it or don't like it... you just stay silent and support me, can you do that?"
"But what if I no we think you have made a bad decision, don't we get to say anything?"
"no, you don't, I'm a grown man, with a family I think I can safely say I can call my own shots..."
"ok, you think you know best, but don't look to me or your pop if it all turns sour... you want us out, then out it will be..."
I looked at my ma, "if that's the way you wanna play it, then fine, but I thought instead of trying to control me, you'd give me the grace to make my decision without judgement?"
"no, you want me to agree to you and Madison, and son, that is something I'll never do. I'm sorry... go back on tour, take that mini vacation, but what all this comes down too is you wanting my blessing, for something I do not agree with. You are catholic Jon, you took marriage vows with D... no sir, you want out, I'm out too..."
I could not say another word, she picked up her coat and purse and left. I sat back resting on the couch, feeling sad and deflated, but adamant on what I was doing was right, for me.

Chapter Sixty

Satisfied with our turn of events, the cops had Antonia's mom taken away in an ambulance to hospital, a given seeing she never came round once while they were taking out statement, they also said now she had broken her bail, back to jail was her next stop once she was released from the medical staffs care.
I did suggest they throw away the key this time, but the cops failed to see the humour in it, one of them even suggested I stick to what I'm good at... singing... the nerve eh?, I suppose having a reserved character, humour is not always a given, anyways after the cops left, I was again, alone with Madison.
I looked at her bruises and cuts, "you know you should have agreed for the medics to check you over, those bruises are pretty bad..." I was looking at the one on her leg, which was a deep black and purple colour.
"Jon, are you serious, I'm a trained medical professional, and I've got my dad..."
"Oh, right, so you can just treat yourself huh?"
"stop teasing, no not everything, but I can treat myself, when I know what I'm looking at and for, and how I'm feeling, and apart from being a little sore, I am fine honestly..."
"Ok, your the boss... but if you feel a change or anything...."
"yeah, I'll get myself to the emergency room..."
she smiled at me, but rolled her eye's. There was a little tension between us, after a long pause she spoke " I didn't think you cared?"
"why because of our spat earlier?"
"well yeah, you pretty much told me there was no hope other than friendship..."
"and aint friendship special?"
"Not when you feel used, like I do... " 
 "why, because we kissed and made love, didn't you like it?"
"no, its because we made love, then you turn cold, you made me feel cheap, like a hooker that had come back wanting more...."
"Oh baby, I'm sorry, that was the last thing I wanted you to feel ever..."
she looked at me, and I could see the pain behind her eye's... " well you failed"
I couldn't answer, and I didn't want to say the S word again, so I tried changing the subject... "how bout coffee?"
she shook her head, "ok" we walked to the kitchen in silence, in the kitchen and with the coffee pot on, my hands resting on the counter top with my back facing Madison. I took a deep breath and turned to speak.
"thank you for what you did tonight, you know, if you hadn't have stepped up like that, god knows where that could have ended"
she looked at me and chewed her lip as she answered, "your welcome, but I did it as pay back for me..." she laughed nervously.
I walked over to her, "hey, what's with the nerves, am I making you feel that bad?"
She shook her head,  "I don't know what to say anymore..."
"what can I do to make you feel better, can we forget earlier?"
"in favour of what? you cant take away your regret?"
"I'm not regretting what we did, I never will."
"but?"
"there is no but... " I held her arms, she held her head low, lifting her chin, "look at me please?"
stroking her cheek, I held her gaze, as she held mine. I swallowed deeply as I spoke,
"Mads, I will never regret ever what we did together, you are beautiful and gorgeous, and I loved every second we was making love...."
she interrupted " but your married..."
looking sheepish I shook my head as I answered, "well yeah..."
"but you never gave your wife and family one thought while we were together, what I'm struggling with is, when and why that all changed, you were even talking about going your own ways?"
"Madison, I'm screwed up right now, the last few months have been hell, and no it's no excuse, and in my heart, I do want to go my own way, D and I have not been a real couple in years, since our youngest was born. D has her life, and I have my career... I don't know when or how, but our lives have gone in different paths, and I guess the corny ol cliché were together for the kids is the truth..."
I was on a role and while Madison was listen I carried on.
"when this crap started with Antonia, I would have told you one hundred percent, there was no other women for me, ever, D was my soul mate... but as the accusations started, I saw D in a new light, it seems she hates my job and has been unhappy with me for years, hell she even took an opportunity to use another shadow that said I had fathered her child to try to blackmail me to give up... I think at that point I really knew, it was the beginning of the end for us... although I still tried telling myself I loved her.... but..."
I took Madison's hands in mine and we sat together, " I do love D, but not in a lover kind of way, she has given me four gorgeous children, and that can never change, and I have to figure it out how best to sort this... and while I'm going though this, I can't be involved with some one else.... I can't be involved with you.."
She listened the whole time and never interrupted, now her eye's were soft and her voice full of emotion, "Ok, I get it, but I have one question..."
"Sure shoot... "
"are you saying that maybe there could be an us?, or are you telling me all this cause you think it is letting me down gently and is what I want to hear?"
"I'm telling you it because its the truth, and yeah one day I would like a try at us, but I cant tell you how long that will be, and I have no right to ask you to wait..."
she squeezed my hand, "but Jon, I would wait.... I love being in your company, your a great guy, someone I relate too, I fell like your my soul mate... so you don't have to ask, I will wait..."
I smiled at her and gently kissed her forehead, "now the only other person I need to sort out is" "my mom" Madison said mom at the same time which made us both laugh. 
"well I'll leave your mom to you... she seems feisty..."
"mm she is, used to be a marine..."
"wow, a marine? what about your pop?"
"he was a marine too, that's how they met, two kindred spirits... that's why this aint gonna be easy, my ma believes when you marry its for life...."
Madison, rasied her eyebrows and rubbed her hands on her thighs, as she said " alrighty then, see you in ten years time..." she got up from the chair and stood looking at me, "well I best get gone.. got an early shift tomorrow... I'll get another nurse assigned for your meals and I guess I'll see you whenever?"
I stood next to her, "no don't re assign me another nurse, I want you still to call and cook my meals, I still want to see you?"
"but your mom, she will have a fritz to see me still here..."
I held her hands as I spoke, "just leave my mom to me ok?... now promise me I'll see you again tomorrow?"
she shook her head... "ok, I'll see you tomorrow..."

Chapter Fifty Nine

I stood staring at Psycho mom, and could not figure how she was stood in front of me again, never mind my home.
"how the fuck you get out?"
"Someone paid my bail."
"Must be rich with no fucking common sense."
"ouch, Jon that hurts, especially as I called here to see how you were doing?"
before I could answer next I knew, Madison was past me, raising her arms she hit Antonia's mum directly on the head with a shovel, I stood watching as her body crumpled to the floor.
"What the fuck."
Madison was cut and bruised, and now stood shaking at the side of me. she looked at me then back at the body on the floor, she stared waiting for her to move, her hands firmly clasped around the shovel in her possession.
I placed my hands on the shovel and made her look at me. " Madison, look at me, Its ok, you can let go"
"But she could get up again..I.."
"she aint moving any time soon... she's out cold...C'mon let me take it..."
as I pulled she loosened her grip, the flexed tight again, like a child not wanting to let its favourite toy go.  Thankfully I won, and with the shovel in my hands I placed it on the office desk just behind me. then taking Madison in my arms I held her as she wept uncontrollably. Managing to move her to the chairs in front of the desk; I got her to sit, while I knelt down in front of her holding her hands. " Can you tell me what happened?"
she shook her head, she looked at the body laying motionless on the floor than exhaled as she began to tell me what had taken place.
" You know, I left here, I was so mad, every step I took I was cussing you, and me for being so stupid, I thought I was alone walking down the drive. Next I knew she" she pointed to pyscho mom," jumped out of the bushes at me."
"carry on.."
"she accused me of playing around with her daughters man. I told her she was crazy, that I had no idea what she was talking about, next I knew she had hit me, and before I could compose myself, she started reigning blows to my head, kicking me, until I fell to my knees; while all the time calling me a no good whore. " she paused for a moment before continuing and looking into my eyes "the only way I thought to make her stop was pretend to be unconscious."
this time I looked at the unconscious heap on the floor. "well it sure worked..."
"yeah,  I laid there quiet and watched her as she walked away toward the house, I got up real quiet like and kept a distance I followed her."
"did she see you?"
"no, she did look back once or twice, but I was able to use the bushes to camouflage me."
"what she do?"
"she went to the far side of the house and cut the phone lines, then she walked around the outside of the house, that's when she found the office window slightly open. I could see you in there with your cell, and so could she. so as she got in, I went round the front of house,  but I knew I needed something to stop her, so took a quick look around the boat house and found the shovel, then made my way back to the front of the house, used the spare key and let myself in."
"and, here we are."
"so is she dead, have I killed her?"
I moved to the body and felt for a pulse, it was strong, which told me she was just concussed.
"No, she's alive just out cold... good job mike"
"Mike?"
"Tyson?"
"who, "
"c'mon you don't know who Mike Tyson is?"
she shook her head... I was going to explain about Mike Tyson when she asked,
 "So who is she your wife's mom?"
"Nope that is Antonia psycho mom."
"the stalker?"
"Yep... the one and only..."
"Man, you weren't kidding when you said they're crazy"
"and psychotic, don't forget that.."
"So what we do now?"
"call the cops I guess....."
"how she has cut the lines..."
"I'll move to the kitchen, that way I can use my cell, I should get a signal there, are you ok to wait here?"
"Sure," she patted the shovel behind her, " if she moves I'll put her back to sleep again." she laughed.

Making my way to the kitchen I had signal and made the call.  The operator took the details and confirm two officers were being dispatched.
When I got back to the office, Madison, was sat there still shaking, she was in shock, so taking two tumblers from the drink stand, I poured two brandy's,  then standing in front of Madison, I handed her the glass.
"here drink this, it will steady your nerves."
Thanking me she took the glass and raised it to her lips.  as she took a sip, she screwed her nose up and grimaced at the taste.
"drink it."
she looked at me again, as she raised the glass for the second time, and took a good mouthful and swallowed. I watched the water fill in her eye's, as the liquor slid down her throat. She coughed and cleared her throat so she could speak
"whoa, that clears the cobwebs..."
I raised my glass in salute and drank the shot straight back. for a second I too could not speak as the liquor slid down warming my throat.
" guess we aint used to brandy?"
she shook her head,
"no until this second I have never tasted any liquor"
"Really?"
"really, I used to watch my friends getting stoned on booze and drugs, and it never held any interest to me. I'm just your regular soda girl."
"so no wine?"
"no, nothing?"
"Champagne?"
"no nothing"
"not even when you was little?"
"well maybe then a taster, but not that I can remember."
"and now?"
"its bitter, and mighty strong... whew.."
"and..." I was smiling at her, I could see she had gotten used to the taste and quite enjoyed it. she had stopped shaking too.
she smiled back at me, "its not bad..." then added... "for medicinal purposes of course..."
I laughed, "of course..."
the front door bell chimed letting me know the cops had arrived. I went and answered it and let them in. they followed me back to the office. Antonia's mom was still out cold.
The first thing the cops did was check she was alive, then they radioed for a medic crew.
Looking at Madison and me they asked, "can you tell us what happened here tonight?"

Chpater Fifty Eight

"Madison, please don't be like that."
"Why not Jon, it seems you like every other married assole I've got involved with, soon as you get what you want, you shit on me. why? what have I done to deserve that? huh what?"
"I was feeling really bad, Madison did not deserve what I had done, I had no way of making it right either, I could not carrying on with what we had started and I was struggling..
"Madison, all I can say is I am sorry, you are a kind and wonderful person and I really am sorry... If I was single it would be different, but I'm married"
"You've said that, and i'll repeat it didn't stop you when you were hard and wanted to be inside me did it?"
"hey, you wanted me as much as I wanted you... man, you started it.."
"that's lame Jon, we are both guilty of that... I cant believe your trying to blame me...your some piece of work you know..."
"Madison, there's nothing I can say other than I'm sorry.."
"You know, sometimes Sorry don't cut it, sometimes you need to face up to what you have done. Was it this way with who you call your stalker?, was you brought into hospital because she gave you payback, is that it?"
"no, no that's not it, I have never touched Antonia, I swear on my kids lives... Antonia kidnapped me with her Hench's and raped me, I told you that, I don't lie."
Madison was bitter through the tears she spat back, "well from where I'm standing, it don't look good. in fact I may find where Antonia's is and have a talk with her, maybe we can compare notes, how would that be? huh, your two fucks on side together?,"
"Please Madison, this is not you, " I tried to put may arms around her waist and give her a hug, but she pushed me away. "No don't Jon... I'm trying really hard to keep it together... you have hurt me, really hurt me... I believed you... when you said you'd take care of me, never let anyone hurt me.... why did you say  all that then...." she broke into tears again, and had her head down, this time I just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest. the whole time I just kept repeating those lame words "I'm sorry"
as her tears dried, with watery eyes and tear stained face, she looked up at me, "Please just tell me why?"
I looked at her, and took a step back, and spoke, " because like you say I am an assole, because I'm weak... I don't know,....but lets be clear here too Madison, you wanted me, you wanted me really bad... you admitted that too me, so you have as much to do with this as I do. I'm no saint, but I never promised you I'd leave my wife, or that we would have a relationship, I promised you I would look after your needs, help you to achieve your real goal of becoming a Dr, help out with your costs..."
she gave me a stink eye, "Well shame on me, for listening to you with my eyes closed, I read between the lines, you may not have said you wanted a relationship, but the signs were there... yeah, you said... when I get to town we can hook up for a drink and catch up...are you telling me that was meant  as you said it, cause I took it to mean have sex... Well?"
Looking at her I answered, "I meant it as I said it Madison, if you interpreted it another way, that's your look out"
 she picked up her purse, "well thanks for nothing Jon, I would say it has been a pleasure, but honestly it aint, its been anything but, one thing I have learned... just cause your a rock star, makes you no different from all the other men, your still a fucked up creep like them..."  then she pushed past and left slamming the front door hard behind her.

I spoke aloud... and smiled... "that went well then..." fixing my meal I sat and ate in the breakfast nook, then getting another glass of water I went back to the sitting room, as I was about to sit there was a knock at the door. Checking my watch, the time showed eight fifteen, I  wasn't expecting anyone else to call... walking to the door and called out, "yo, whos there?"  no response just another loud knock... "Who's there?" still no answer, I walked near to the spy hole in the door and looked through, but could see no one there. Another loud knock made me jump back, as I called out, "Who the fuck is it?"
then a voice was  heard on the other side, "who do you think it is... my blood ran cold.... as I secured the door with a chain.. Antonia's mom was on the other side, how the fuck had she got out?"
"what do you want?"
"To talk... let me in..."
"no, leave or i'll call the cops..."
"that will be a neat trick as I've cut the phone lines... who was the pretty little blonde that I saw leaving?, such a shame..."
I felt for my cell phone, took it from my pocket and dialled  the emergency services, I waited for the call to connect... nothing... I looked down at my phone... no signal... shit... I knew the south side of the house had poor signal and that I needed to be facing west but I was nervous leaving psycho mom on the other side of the door. I had no time to check and prayed all windows and doors were locked, as I moved to the west side.  I dialled again... a few bars of signal and at last it connected...  "911, what's your emergency?"  "police?"
"911 what's your emergency?"  " Intruder, police" "Please speak up, your breaking up?" I tried again, all but screaming this time... "POLICE"  " I'm sorry I can't hear you, your signal is weak and breaking up..." I tried again, and moved a little further to the window, "I need the police..." this time I was met with silence and the signal was lost.... I dialled again but before I could press  connect a voice made me freeze in my tracks... "hello Jon, so nice to see you again..." I turned round and came face to face with Psycho mom...

Chapter fifty Seven

When the dust had settled I rang and spoke to my ma, her tone of the phone was pissed.
"Hey"
"What you want Jon I'm busy?"
"to talk clear the bad blood between us?"
"no, what you want is for me to condone your actions, and I aint doing it, now if that 's it I have things to do."
I know things had got out of hand with Madison, but I could not let the bad feelings between me and my ma continue, I tried again.
"Ma look, can you come over and let's talk, I don't mean a full on fist fight and throwing shit at each other, I mean talk?"
the line fell silent, "Mom."
"Yeah, I'm here,"
"Well whadda ya say?"
"I'm thinking Jon Francis... I don't like being compromised and but in a very difficult situation. What you did today was wrong and unforgivable."
"Ma your no saint, so please lets not start a fight over the phone? are you gonna accept and call over?"
"I'll think about it. "
she hung up leaving me with the phone next to my ear and silence on the end of the receiver. I replaced the handset on the cradle. Getting up from the couch I headed into the kitchen and got myself a glass of water. Madison left over five hours ago. I know what I was flirting with was danger, and it was wrong, but I could not stop myself.... Madison had a charm and exuberance I have never seen before... I was like a moth to a flame when she was near.
Taking my glass of water I went back to the sitting room and sat on the couch. a million thoughts running through my brain. the highlights that kept replaying was the spat with my ma. Nothing had ever triggered a melt down like that before, and the more I thought on it, the more I was convinced it was not just about Madison either. I had to get her back here and talk, there was something that was not sitting right.

I walked over to the house phone for the second time and dialled her number again, I knew the only way to get her to come see me was to do the thing I hated doing the most. Apologise. The phone was answered in two rings, "Hello"
"mom, I'm sorry"
I was met with silence again, then she spoke, her voice much softer. "I should think so Jon Francis, I'm only concerned about you. D is your wife, she has given you four children... it is not fair on her."
"Hey, I helped with the kids, it was a two way street mom" I laughed trying to break the tension. no dice, my ma was in you listen to me mode.
"Mmm and the way your heading with that harlot you'll be a father of five..."
"Mom relax ok, it  aint gonna get that far."
"Really? does she know that?, more so do you? you have the look of a love sick puppy when she is near, what has gotten into you Jon?"
"She cares ma, she listens and understands what I've gone through, she aint judged me, questioned me, nothing... I aint had that in a long time ya know...someone that is just there... maybe I was filled with attraction for companionship"
"mmm, well my suggestion, get a dog... you are married, with kids, wake up and smell the coffee, or you wanna risk it all for one fuck?"
I was shocked at my ma's very direct approach. "mom, please."
"as I said, I'm not stupid I see how she looks at you, and how you look at her, for all I know you have already visited the lady garden..."
"Mom, please enough already ok, I aint done anything.... just kiss...
" Don't bullshit me Jon Francis... you are your fathers son..."
"what the fuck does that mean..."
"It doesn't matter... look I've things to do here, but I'll call over in the morning, and Jon, if you want to really convince me, ring the hospital and get another nurse assigned. "
"I'll try, ok?"
"don't try do it... right I've gotta go, night."
for the second time tonight she had rung off leaving me holding a silent receiver, putting it down I went back and sat on the couch and thought about the call. My mom was a force to be realised, but she made sense. I did really like Madison, she was the best thing right now about my day, but would I want a full blown love affair with her?, honestly no, I loved D, I loved my kids, and if I did carry on, I was pressing the self destruction switch, and the last thing I needed was that to blow up in my face too, but one way or another, the innocent party,  Madison was going to get hurt again too, and she did not deserve that.
Checking my watch she was due to arrive to prepare my evening meal in thirty minutes. When she arrived I knew I had to tell her.

Relaxing with my head back, I flicked on the stereo and listened to the mellow music coming from the speakers, Al green voice filled the room, I was totally lost in the story his voice was telling, the next I knew Madison was in the sitting room, she walked over and sat next to me,  as she spoke, "Hey gorgeous how are we tonight?" and then lent in to kiss me. I moved away,  and she pulled back, a look of confusion on her face. now was a good a time as any, taking her hand, she looked at me hurt; in her beautiful green eyes,
"Madison, I'm sorry, I really am, but I cant do this, I'm married and I have a family to think about." She studied me but sat in silence, I continued,
"look, if I was single, things would be different, but I  not, I just cant do this..."
I watched her waiting for her to say something.
moving her hand she looked at me, still with tears in her eye's she spoke,
"It's ok, really, no need for an explanation.... I'm sorry," wiping her eyes with her hand she stood, " I'll fix your meal and when I get back to the hospital I'll get them to send another nurse for you." then she walked out of the room, and went into the kitchen.
I felt really bad, and guilt had built inside me,  I got up and followed her, as I entered the kitchen she was at the drainer and crying,
"Madison, please,  look I really am sorry..." she raised her hand and tried to compose herself and stop the tears, then turning to look at me she said...
"I've done it again... I never learn..."
" you have done nothing, It was me, I took advantage, I feel so bad and I am really sorry, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you?"
"that's it though Jon, you have hurt me, you flirted with me in hospital, you have given me the come on every time I visit, then I gave you what you wanted and now you have a change of heart, seems like the wife or other love of your life was not in your thoughts when you was making love to me? or was I, just a casual fuck too?"

Chapter fifty six

"Mom"
Madison lifted her head and looked at my mom, sheepishly she apologised with the classic line, " it's not what it looks like" my moms face told me she wasn't in the mood for bull, " so tell me then, Madison is it?, what part of not looking like your kissing my married son with four kids is it?"  My ma paced and removed her coat looking like she was gonna start a fight. Madison looked to me, whispering low I told her to go busy herself else where and leave my mom to me. She got up and walked towards the door, as she neared she paused by my ma and said "I'm sorry before walking out the door. My ma said nothing but glared at her, as soon as my bedroom door was closed my ma laid into me. " what's going on jon?"
I shuffled in bed so I was sitting straighter. I had no time to answer , before my mom asked her next question, " how long this been going on then?, huh does your wife know? Have we all been fooled?"
Still she paced her eyes flashing daggers at me. When she paused for a second I tried to answer, " it was one kiss, not some God damn full on love affair, and it's none of your business ma, so back off, and don't go giving Madison a hard time, OK it was all me."
Sarcasm was definitely the dish of the day as my ma mocked me.
" it was all me..... " with her head back looking to the ceiling she looked down and directly at me again, "please, Jon don't treat me like an idiot, I do have quite a lot more than just a modicum of intelligence, one look at that harlot shows she wants to have sex with you, oh and for the record it is my business when some stalker has jeopardised your marriage, and near killed you leaving your family to pick up the shit that's left behind...  and now on top of all that shit, I find you in the arms of someone else, what in the fuck is with you boy? Have you learned nothing?"

I was feeling pissed, two reasons I could not get up out of bed and just walk away cause the mood my ma was in told me she would follow, and secondly if I got to stressed it would trigger another spasm in my side and I didn't want that, so my replies remained stated  and in control but with danger in my tone, something that really went against my Italian blood deep down I wanted to expel the building rage.  "Learned? do you think I wanted all this shit with Antonia?, what now, you think I asked for that?, you think I asked to be in hospital?, so just explain ma, what the fuck am I suppose to have learned eh?"

"You know exactly what I mean, so don't try Mr Dumbass with me."

"Ma you really are some piece of work you know that?, I kiss someone, no more than I have done a million times before with family friends, but you are the mighty sit in judgement eh, you are the gracious innocent almighty dishing out advise... when did I miss that  coming... "

turning on me she spat back, "What's that suppose to mean?"

the burning anger in my stomach was getting unbearable, try as I  could it would not stay, I erupted,

"so meeting Kal, sorting out Antonia's hench men and her? putting her in hospital?, wanna explain that? cause where did it say you had the god given right to commit murder huh?"

my mom spun on her heels and came over to me, "You little piece of shit, what we did was for you, nothing you did could stop that fuckin bitch, it needed a mama's touch, just like when you were a little boy, remember Jonny? so don't you dare go there laying it on me..."

"Laying it on you, you have fucking jepordised everything I spent my entire working life achieving ma, and you kick off about a kiss...you no what, seriously enough already,  I've had it, get your coat and leave..." I threw back the bed clothes and lifted myself out of bed, walking to my ma coat I threw it at her. "I said fucking leave..."

she stood her ground, "until I'm satisfied I'm going nowhere... so get used to it junior."

picking up the house phone I dialled 9-1-1, "whats your emergency?" With my hand covering the mouth peice , I asked again, so are you leaving or shall I tell them what I know about Antonia's accident?" "You ain't got the balls" 

"try me?" She stood watching, as I spoke again to the operator and asked for the police she held her hand up, " OK you win this round, but it's not over son, not by a long way" as the door closed I spoke again to the operator and told her it was a false alarm. Hanging up the phone I could not believe what had just gone down with my ma. I'd not seen her that crazy for a long time. It had to be more than just the kiss, and I knew when she said it wasn't over she was speaking the truth; it was now just a matter of when the ma bongiovi volcano erupted. Walking back to my bed, Madison came in, I looked at her and smiled " Jon I'm so sorry"  patting the bed I said,  "don't be, you have done nothing wrong"

As she sat beside me, I leaned in again and said" now where were we before we were so rudely interrupted" smiling back at me with watery eyes, she leaned in as our lips touched and we kissed. 

 

Chapter fifty-five

I must have dozed off, as madisons voice stirred me awake. "Jon, lunch" I opened my eyes and smiled at her as I moved my way up the bed to a sitting position. Bemused I looked at the plate before me, creamy mash, with peas and some meat I really was not familiar with. I hated to ask and look dumb, but I had too... pointing my finger at the meat, and leaning forward to sniff I asked, "what's that?" Madison laughed as she answered, "liver"  blinking my eyes I looked at her again, then repeated "liver?, who's? " she laughed, "it's ox liver, it's high in the vitamin iron,"
"But liver"
"Yes Mr bongiovi liver, now eat up before it gets cold" I'd never eaten liver in my life and I really was not enthused to try it.
"Why liver"
She looked at me a little irritated, "because its on the menu the drs have given me to prepare for you"
She stood looking at me, "so are you gonna try it or not" I smiled nervously as I took some mash with peas and a small price of liver on my fork and placed it in my mouth. I chewed the meat and was surprised it tasted OK,  the onion gravy added flavor too. Still with her hands on her hips Madison asked" well? " having my mouth full of food I gave her the thumbs up.

I surprised myself by eating the whole meal, since my attack my appetite had waned, and although I ate it was only because I was made too, out of choice I'd have easily passed, but today I enjoyed my meal.  Wiping my mouth with a napkin and food still in my mouth I said "Thank you, that was tasty."

Madison smiled, "Good, I'm glad cause Dr has prescribed a real healthy menu for you."

I looked across as I could not tell if she was joking or not, her face gave nothing away, "You are joking right?"

she smiled and shook her head, "No, boiled beef and cabbage tomorrow" then she roared with laughter as I screwed up my face in protest and disgust.

"oh Jon you are priceless"

"Really in what way?"

"Your so easy to tease"

"I am..."

"Yeah," as her laughter subsided she wiped her eyes as she came and sat next to me on the bed.

Unfolding a piece of paper she gave it too me to read. Scanning through it was the suggested menu for me. A few of the meals suggested I really did not like and told Madison. Taking her pen from her uniform pocket she noted little asterisks next to the meals I did not like. With the ok from me for the rest she added tick marks.

"So how's your days off go this week, I studied her green eyes, as she spoke. "Good, I managed to get a good afternoons sail in, and caught some mighty fine fish with my pop, the only thing that put a damper on things was my pop got sunburnt. He always forgets to keep applying the sun cream, and he gets lazy if he feels like he's close to a bite, he won't move in case he loses it, so he sits and cooks and suffers later."

"ouch, but your the health pro, can't you make sure he's protected and add more cream for him?"

"I would, but when your in the moment, you the calmness of the blue water, beautiful weather and the soft lull of the boat, time has no context..." she shook her head slightly to bring her back to reality. then smiling at me she concluded, so I guess I'm just as guilty... "changing the subject she asked, "so what did you do yesterday when you got home, I'm guessing you did not go straight to bed as the Dr's said?"

I laughed, "Yeah I did"

she looked at me and raised her eyebrow, "now the truth?" holding my hands up I gave in, "Ok, ok, I spent a little time in the studio getting a track down for the new album."

"Oh you did, well I might have to take serious charge of you Mr Bongiovi, ignoring Dr's orders will bring a punishment..."

I smiled at her, "it does..."

"Yes" leaning forward we were inches apart, I could feel her breath so close to my lips, before I knew what was happening we were embraced in a long passionate kiss. Pulling back, we both looked at each other sheepishly, I spoke first... " I'm sorry that should never have happened....." taking her hand I asked.. "Forgive me?"

"She smiled back at me, and said, "no apology needed... I'm sorry I took advantage, but truth is, I've wanted to kiss you since I first met you..."

"You have?, but I thought you did not go for married men?"

"No what I told you was I was sucker for them and kept being the one hurt... but fact is I just cant help myself..."

I curled my fingers around her neck and brought her in close and kissed her again. I felt a fire in my stomach like I hadn't felt for a long time. Madison responded kissing me back gently with her lips, then hard. this time when we parted we were both breathless, and it was clear we both wanted to go further, we held each others gaze as she lent forward again and laid her head on my chest. We were so wrapped up in each other I didn't hear my mom come in, it was only when she spoke I realised she was in the room. "not interrupting anything am I?" she had a cold stern look on her face, and I knew It was not going to be easy to explain this away.

 

 

Chapter Fifty Four

Sleeping soundly, my senses were being stirred by a distant knocking at the front door, drifting in my dreams it was strange as it did not fit, again it came, knock, knock, knock... slowly my body woke, and for me to realise it was not in my dreams, but someone wanting in downstairs. Opening my eye's, I  lay listening, knock, knock,  knock it came again. this time I sat up and slowly swung my legs over the edge of the bed, despite a good sleep, and for once not haunted by the nightmares of late I yawned before lifting my body up out of bed. Taking my robe from the bottom of the bed, still yawning I made my way down stairs and to the front door, calling out "Alright already, I'm coming."  On nearing the door I heard Richie's voice on the other side, "Hey man, I've been here for ages, its freezing" Reaching the door and unlocked, Rich walked in rubbing his hands together,  he blew on them and rubbed again more vigorously. "Man its cold out there"
"It's autumn what you expect?"
"Well it was warm yesterday, I was walking around in jeans and T..."
"Right so you figures today would be the same? " I laughed as I walked away in the direction of the kitchen. "Continuing to talk I asked, "So what do you want from me at this god unearthly hour?"
Rich followed close behind, "god unearthly hour? man are you fucking serious?"
I stopped briefly to look at him, with all the drapes closed it was still dark in my house.
"Jon, its like 11.30 man...the world has been turning and living... "
I jumped back at him... "Yep and I've been resting..." then carried on walking to the kitchen.
Immediately he looked guilty, "yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot about that. I guess freezing your butt off outside for half and hour makes all your memory leave through your cold finger tips right?" I laughed as I replied, "In your case yeah..."
Reaching the kitchen I switched on the coffee pot, "you want some?" he was stood by the drainer and shook his head.." yeah please." Again I asked, "so what you want? why the visit?"
"I was concerned man, just wanted to see how you are"
"Bullshit Sambora, or you would have remembered I was resting... so what is it?"
he hung his head before he looked up, "Antonia"
"What about her?"
"I wanna go see her"
"What? have you lost your ever freaking mind?"
"No, listen hear me out ok?"
as the coffee had filtered through the cup I added the whitener and sweetener for Rich and handed him his cup before making my own. Then turning round to look at him I answered.
Ok I'm listening, but it better be good?" I was feeling pretty pissed at his suggestion and he knew it.
"Ok, Look, the reporter says the Docs have said she has no recollection of who you are right?"
"Right."
"so I thought I'd go along and check her out, see,  like, you know if someone recognises you or not right?,  then if I saw she knew me, then I could be a witness and that way it would help you with your case with the lawyer and the cops......" he paused briefly before carrying on, " you know being able to press charges and  the like, and finally put this fucking nightmare to bed.." he paused again and stood looking at me." My face said it all, but still he asked, " so what ya say bro..?"
"You seriously want me to ask?, no give my blessing to your fucked up scheme?"
"It aint fucked up, I think it'll work and will give you something else to use to get her locked up once and for all..." he looked at me hurt, so I tried reasoning with him again, this time a little calmer
 "But what if she is playing a game and fools you Rich eh? what then... you seriously are underestimating what this bitch is capable of, no man I can't agree, I'm just not comfortable with it."
Rich would not stop, as he carried on,
"Jon, what have you got to lose...c'mon bro think about it?"
I just did not get why he was pushing so hard for me to agree to him going to see her... this time I snapped,
"Look I've told you how I feel, its your call, just leave me out of it..."
I walked out of the kitchen and headed into the lounge, leaving Rich in the kitchen; sitting on the couch I placed my coffee cup on the table and raised my legs so I was reclining, relaxing as I was told.
Yesterday I knew I had done to much and I needed to allow my body to rest, and right now that included the stress I was feeling too. It wasn't long though before Rich followed too, as he came in he held up two fingers in a peace sign. " ok?"
I was still pretty pissed but gestured for him to sit on the couch opposite.  there was a little silence as he sat and he tried to change the subject, "So what ya do yesterday then, and don't tell me you rested, cause I can see your struggling this morning, so what did ya do?"
"Nothing much just laid down a track in the studio..."
"What? man are you crazy?"
"no, look when I got home ok I felt fine, and needed something to relax my mind that's all."
Rich was on his feet, this time he spoke with a sarcasm in his voice,
"Man, you are something else?"
Immediately my temper was back as I replied in a dangerous tone "whys that?" Richie paid no heed, or was bordering stupid this morning as he carried on "You come home from hospital and go into the studio?, has nothing registered with you?"
giving him the stink eye, and swinging my legs back on to the floor, I spat back. "Oh yeah, Rich I have every recollection of every fucking thing I have gone through, want me to give ya a run through?, in hospital, the nightmares were awful, coming to me at night and everyime I closed my eyes, the pain Is a constant reminder of what that fucking bitch and her hunches did to me, then I get home and decide to try to ease my mind of the fucking horror and go lay down a single track, which helped more than you can tell, but then this morning some fucking dumbass calls and says he wants to go see the fucking nightmare and wants my fucking blessing..."
I stood a little too quick and grabbed my side in pain, Rich was immediately at my side, guilt on his face again  "You ok?"
with my head bent and holding my side I raised my hand, "Yeah I'm fine, but I want you to leave"
" No, i'm going no where,  I can't just go and leave you like this?"
I was boiling mad and doubled in pain, right now I wanted Rich gone, I lied,
" Look I'm fine, just go already, ok the nurse will be here shortly..." Still he protested, "but Jon... I.."
"Please Rich just go"
He looked at me, his face full of concern as he made his way to the front door, as it closed I sat back on the couch and gasped for breath as the pain took hold.
I was still crippled over when my nurse arrived. She immediately rushed over when she saw me on the couch, taking a syringe from her bag she injected into me, and minutes later the spasm had stopped. finally able to relax I sat back on the couch as she sat opposite, "Just what was that about?"
"Madison, I-I_"
another spasm hit me as I doubled over again and this time blacked out. The next time I awoke I was in bed, fearful I was back in hospital I looked around, but I was in my own room and Madison was close by.
"Hey sleepy head, how you feeling now?"
I moved in the bed, and felt a little pinch to my side," a little sore, but ok"
"So you gonna tell me what happened to cause that spasm back there?"
"Yeah I jumped up off the couch to quick.."
"and why would you do that?" I had no option but to tell her about Richie's visit.
"I think Mr Sambora needs to stay away for a while, would you like me to sort it?"
I shook my head, "No, honestly, I can take care of Richie."
"Well ok, as long as it does not involve jumping up of any more couches, deal?"
I shook my head and agreed "Deal"
"So lunch, what would you like?"
"Something light"
as she reached my bedroom door she looked back, " Ok leave it with me.." With Madison looking after me, I felt relaxed, so laid my head back on my pillow as I waited for Madison with my lunch.

Chapter fifty three

The driver pulled up outside my home, it was going to be strange no D, no kids, and no Madison.  Getting out I slowly made my way to the front door, feeling the ledge I got the key and let myself in. My driver brought in my bags. "Where would you like these sir?"
"upstairs in the bedroom to the right please" he shook his head in acknowledgement and went upstairs; and placed my bags where I had asked.

I stood in the lobby looking round, it felt like forever since I had been home, and it was strange to me; it really felt like I was in someone else's house, it just did not feel like my own.
I figured it was due to the stress of Antonia and being away on tour, and I hoped; as I settled back in the feeling would pass.

The driver came downstairs and asked if there was anything else I needed before he left. I shook my head and let him leave.

With him gone I was totally alone, and struck by the silence of the house, the only sound to be heard was the clicking of the clock in the hall. I walked slowly into the kitchen, and started the coffee pot, I checked the refrigerator for milk, none. "Damn" I checked the cupboard for whitener and found some.

Waiting for the coffee, I sat on the stool and looked at the day outside, through the south facing window the sun was streaming through. it was warm on my skin and comforting, no doubt about it, it was a beautiful day out there.

I sat fidgeting on the stool, my body restless,  made worse by the fact, I knew I could not do much given the Docs instructions to rest, but; I could not procrastinate either. A light bulb flickered above my head; as I was tempted to walk the short distance to my studio.
For days I had a song hammering its tune around my head, and I knew I just had to write it down. As the coffee pot started bubbling, and I placed my cup under and waiting for the hot liquid to filter through into my cup, speaking aloud to myself, I reasoned... "but writing is relaxing... it's not like I'm gonna be playing a concert right?..." light bulb lit bright and mind made up and with coffee in hand I made my way out back and along the drive to the studio. It took some time, as when I forgot to move slow and sped up a little the pain halted me dead in my tracks, it took my breath too which made me re adjust and start again.

Reaching the studio,  I tapped in the code and opened the door, a musty smell filled my nostrils. The studio had been locked up for some months. but it didn't bother me at all, I loved it and inhaled the scent, now I felt like I was home.

Sitting at the desk, coffee in hand, and smiling, I started transferring the beat in my head to an audible track, Finally done, I sat back in my chair and on the final play back I was, at last satisfied with the work in progress. Time had no existence to me when I was focused, what kind of jogged my mind was the niggling pain in my side that had progressively increased in intensity as the day drew on. Closing up the studio for the day, I left and began the walk along the drive back to the main house. Taking slow baby steps I watched the sun slip and sink from the sky signalling the end to another day.
I thought about the time I had been in the studio, had I really been in there for eight hours?, smiling to myself I knew the answer.
Reaching the back door I walked back inside, switching the coffee pot back to on I put my cup under and waited for the coffee to filter through. In my back pocket I reached for the pills I had been given to help with the pain, popping two from the pack I got some water from the cooler and swallowed them down, secretly praying they would work instantly, but I knew it would be some time; grabbing my coffee I walked to the lounge and sat on the couch and flicked on the TV, trying hard to numb the pain that had gotten worse after the walk back to the house.
I looked at my watch, six thirty, my nurse should be here in half an hour to get me something to eat, before helping me to my room and into bed. Inside now with the pain I was regretting sitting at the desk all day, silently I scalded myself for being a fucked up dumbass, my thoughts halted as my phone was ringing in my pocket. I reached inside and answered,
 "Yo"
"Hey so how first day back at home?"
"Good"
"so you see the news today?"
"erm, no, I've been kinda pre occupied, why, what I miss?"
"Antonia"
"What about her?"
"She's awake?"
"Shit, how you know?"
"The news man, they are at the hospital, they know who she is right, some reporter got inside and spoke to her, man she has no recollection of who the fuck you are..."
"yeah right, and I'm president of the USA... that fucked up bitch is playing another fucking game."
"no really, the reporter spoke with the Doc, when she was brought in she had serious head injuries, part of her brain has stopped working, it will never recover... can't remember what he actually said, but that's the gist."
Part of me wanted to believe Rich, but another half of me knew somehow the bitch would find her way back, I was not out of the woods yet.

Chapter Fifty Two

Five days past since Kal visited me, my ma had stayed away too and the only visitor I had seen was Madison, Although D had called to check I was ok. I was relieved that she was still ok at her moms and she confirmed that my Ma had called out to check on her and tell her what happened.

We left it that when I was released from hospital before I flew off on the second leg of the tour to Europe I would call by and check on her in person, both of us agreed we had things that needed to be addressed, which we could no longer ignore.

This morning the Doctor was calling in to give me a check over, and if all went to plan I was being allowed home for another three weeks bed rest, if I failed I'd be staying where I was.
I was feeling a little anxious, two reasons, my self confidence had taken a battering, and I was going to be alone, which in normal cases would not have bothered me in the slightest, but given what I had gone through something inside me had changed. I asked Madison what would happen and I was even considering trying to fake being strong enough so I'd still have company and a professional to take care of me.
Madison told me what the Dr would do, and she tried to re assure me; she said I would have to walk around and complete a peak flow air test and a few gentle exercise's, nothing major, and that not to worry as being taken off the oxygen was a good sign. My spleen had now returned to normal size and had recovered real good, my bodily bruises were fading too, my eye had reduced in size and was open again, although still blood shot. I no longer looked like I had been run over by a truck, just had a fight with it. progress.

I'd just finished my breakfast when Doc came in. "Jon, Good morning" moving my tray table I answered after swallowing the last mouthful of my breakfast., "Good Morning Doc."
"I can see you have just finished breakfast so we will let that settle before we begin, I need to ask you a few question and complete an exam before we do our test, are you ok with that?" I shook my head.
Doc moved to my bedside and pulled up my top and felt around everywhere on the bruises that were still showing, he watched my reaction, he then sat me up and tapped his fingers across my back while listening with his stethoscope.  he moved away and wrote on my chart.
"so how am I doc."
"All good, so far."
"That's great." I tried to sound enthusiastic but I couldn't. Doc picked up on it, "So tell me how you are feeling?"
"Ok I guess"
"ok, well why the hesitancy? what is troubling you?"
I knew what was the trouble, but how could I tell a Doc from an over confident son of a bitch I was now full of doubt, and anything but self assured. in truth I felt totally lost.
"Jon, what you are feeling is quite normal given the atrocities and injuries you have sustained not to mention the mental anguish, I'm going to set up a therapist to call and see you, someone you can talk to about this ok?"
I shook my head to the Dr, but I really was not sold on that move, I had never spoke to anyone about my issues before, I'd always found my own way through difficult times, of which to date had only been one. so honestly, I don't know if I'd be comfortable and able to discuss my problems with a complete stranger. The Doc saw and picked up on it, "your not sure Jon?"
I had to speak out, "thing is Doc, I don't know if I can tell a complete stranger what I've been though and how I'm feeling...its.... well hard for me..."
"why?"
"because I am a private person, when your in the public eye, you have to protect your privacy."
"But this is therapy Jon, its not telling the press... give it a try ok? you might surprise yourself."
again I shook my head, but inside I was filled with conflict.
"so you ready to give this a try?"
I shook my head, he handed me a peak flow monitor, "right deep breath and blow." I took the tube in my hand and held it too my lips and blew, then handed it back to the doc, he noted the reading and marked it down. "Ok that's good, now can you stand for me and taking it slow walk to the door and back."
I lifted myself out of the bed and raised my body to a standing position, I ached, my bruises pulled but I managed to stand, taking a breath in I took my first step, then second, and third and so on until I reached the door. turning I returned back to where I started. while I stood the doc was behind listen with his stethoscope to my back and chest. "that's good." next I was given the peak flow metre again and asked to blow, same result as before, which made the doc smile. "ok Jon last thing I need you to do is to bend down as far as you can for me, any pain stop ok?" I shook my head, again taking a breath first I bent over and slowly lowered my torso towards my feet, I felt no pain and managed to reach my toes, then slowly I retracted back to a standing position. "How that feel?"
"ok"
"no pain?"
I shook my head, "no, nothing"
"well in that case Jon, looks like you can be discharged and go home, for rest ok,  no over doing it and returning on tour Jon, your not strong enough yet ok?"
"Ok"
"Well I'll  see about setting the papers ready for your discharge, Ill also make arrangements for a nurse to visit daily and help with the exercises ok?"
again I shook me head. "right,  well you did real good, well done," he moved to the door,  "Ok, I  will see you later just prior to your discharge, is there anything else you need to ask me?. "no, I'm good thanks" "in that case..."  he smiled as he opened the door and left.
Madison was still with me, "hey well done, you did it...you should be proud of yourself?" "thanks" I wasn't as happy as I should be. "What's wrong?"
"nothing..."
"well it don't look like nothing from where I'm standing, "
I slid back into bed and pulled the covers to my waist. "Jon what is it?"
I looked away and shook my head, "its nothing really..."
she would not give in, " I'm serious Jon, tell me what's bothering you? maybe I can help?"
how the hell could I tell Madison that I was scared, that I was terrified of being alone, terrified for the nightmares that were haunting my dreams... and could come back and make it a reality again......and how could I let her know that I was going to miss her...