ChapterTtwenty Three

My heart was heavy as the realisation of what Dot had done began to sink in, I touched her shoulder and she turned to face me, a tearstained face looking back.
"Why?"
"I-I-I didn't do it Jon, things happened, like the letter that arrived in the post about the baby, and I don't know, I just thought this was my chance to persuade you to quit the work load, and spend some time with us your family.... the stalker I swear is nothing to do with me...." she spoke in between the sobs, which came in big gulps. I placed my arms around her shoulders and led her back to the sitting area, as we sat down, she pulled away and looked at me.... "I'm sorry..."  as I looked down at her face I was having de -ja-vu, as only half and hour before we had been sitting and she had said the exact same words. This time though it was with an added blow....... inside, I had no idea how I was feeling, confused, hurt, angry, bewildered? completely shocked I guess..... but I knew I could not tell her everything was ok, cause I knew in my heart it wasn't, and I could not lie.... as she snuggled her head back onto my chest, she asked the dreaded question, "will it be alright?
sighing deeply before I answered the best I could manage was "I hope so..." not the greatest reassurance I could give her right now, but it was all I could say.  Immediately she jumped on it,
"you hope so?, what does that mean?"
"I don't know Dot, I hope it can all be worked out, but I have no crystal ball.... I just don't know,"
"Crystal ball?, why would you need a crystal ball?"
"I don't need one, but I don't know how I am feeling right now, its not every day your wife tells you she has been working with a stalker to get him to quit his job?"
"Oh that's right twist it back on me...., well that's just fine Jon... you came to me in the middle of the night and told me your sorry story and just expected me to believe it, but you cant get me or where I'm coming from? that's just great..."
"Dot, I came to you in the middle of the night to explain to you a delicate situation, and then you dump on me about a letter and a baby that's mine, and even though I told you I never knew her you condemned me, straight from the get go?, now you tell me, you wanted to use the letter to your own advantage and stop me touring..., jesus, you think so little of me, and can't talk to me?, you needed to use a letter to do that?, why dot?, am I that hard to talk too?"
"No, your not that hard to talk to Jon, just real hard to make understand and listen to me...I was desperate, can't you see that?"
"Desperate?, you have everything I can provide for you?, you knew my job when you married me Dot?, this aint nothing new, so don't lay on me twenty plus years into the marriage you don't understand and want me to be a house husband, cause that will never happen."
" so you don't care about me, my needs or your kids?"
"Whoa there, I don't care?, what the fuck is wrong with you women?, if I didn't care, why have I provided for you all?, I love you and the kids more than anything.... you know that... but what I do is in my blood Dot?, I cant just stop, you may as well take my heart if that's what you want..... You, the kids and my job is my life, its why I get outta bed and breathe every day........ I can't give it up Dot.... I can't..."
"Won't you mean....."
rising from the sofa, she walked to the door, opening the door she turned and looked back before she left and shouted back... "thanks for nothing Jon, glad I mean that much to you?"
I was guilty of letting her go, I just could not make my mind work.... 

I just sat, motionless, taking it in and hearing her say the words over and over..... every time the same words came to mind... why and why now?,